Item number 54: i'm feeling number

I present a present for (some of) you:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.


10) I did not object to the object.


11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.


16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Taking equality a little too far...

My cousin sent me the photo (right) and I had to share it.

I don't know whether people can eat at this restaurant, but at least the buffalo and caribou get on. You gotta love Canada.

I'm off to listen to 4'33" by John Cage. Can you hear it playing now?...



You can say, "Thanks," and you can say, "Thanks a million," but any number in between – uh-uh.
"Hey man, thanks two-fifty-six."
"What?"
"Yeah, you gave me a ride; that's not worth a million. You know what? Two-fifty-five for questioning me. Keep it up, stupid; we're headed for 'thanks zero.' And that's no thanks."
-- Demetri Martin

Prefix and Suffix by Goscinny & Underzo

I erred on the grapevine - somewhere in my blog there may be a grammar error. Please accept my apologies.

The concept of a prefix and a suffix (together affixes) is not too difficult to grasp, but what of the things (for want of a better word) that surround the morpheme which are not words.

So, there are prefixes such as:

• un-
• under-
• pre-
• in-

And there are suffixes such as:

• -able
• -tion
• -ly
• -ness

suffixes also include plurals, possessives, comparatives and superlatives.

What does one call $, £ and other currencies. What of the % symbol? The conundrum within this category is that of pronunciation.

$3 is pronounced three dollars. Why does $ appear as a prefix but is pronounced as a suffix?

3% is pronounced and reads properly.

$5.64 implies "cents" but if you pronounce it, should it not be written 5$ 64c?

$2m - now this one is a challenge! Two (free morpheme) million (suffix, pronounced before the prefix) dollars (prefix, pronounced after the suffix).

I don't think clarification is required, as it appears to work well in everyday parlance. It is merely something I noticed and wished to share with you (singular - for there must only be on reader of this rarely frequented blog at any one time).

Finally, what happens when an acronym becomes part of vernacular to the point that it becomes a word which then gets verbised?

L.A.S.E.R. = Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

Laser printer

I had my eyes lasered.

It's just another oddity I've noticed.

I don't think I will get to lexemes in the near future, but fear not, it is on my radar.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
-- Demetri Martin

A Toyota's a Toytota

A.
Nun. (LOL)
Noon.
Kayak.
Glenelg.
A man a plan a canal panama.
Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas.

Yep, I still like the palindrome and this Weird Al piece is right on song.

Enjoy.

Quite the conundrum

I would like to be an etymologist rather than an entomologist. Not that it's an option or a career path, but if I had the choice it would be quite facile.

It may help me solve the conundrum of the word "number". Is this singular or plural?

I have a number of ideas,

A simple sentence - but one filled with options.

The number of options I have is/are many.

Does one of these options feel more correct?

Perhaps I should only used the word "number" in the comparative sense - as in "more numb".

But that would be puerile.

Now, the issue of refracted light is quite important (odd segue - but see image above). It is actually one of few phenomena which creates something which is naturally blue.

The sky is blue because light refracts with the particles in the atmosphere (to the 4th power of frequency of light) and given blue light's frequency is greater than, say, red, the sky appears blue (FYI blue is towards the end of the spectrum of visible light). (This differs at sunrise/sunset as the blue light has refracted further, thus leaving oranges/reds in the horizon). But how many blue fruits do you know?

More drivel... why anyone would read this, I know not.

Enjoy this old quote for now:

In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with, I don't. Would you take two negative messages? My mother used to say to me when I was younger, "If a strange man comes up to you, and offers you candy, and wants you to get into the back of his car with him... go".

-- Woody Allen

Fields (Medal) of Green

I have no idea why, when driving along today, I pondered Mersenne Primes, but I did. It reminded me somewhat of Rene Magritte, perhaps only linked by french names (although Magritte is Belgian).

I am unsure why, but I have often thought of the apple in the Garden of Eden as being red. Magritte, as you can tell, thought it was green. That's not the only thing we differ on - but he's a surrealist and I might not be one.

PC trouble, so I'll keep this curt.

Quote of the day:

Comedians never make studio albums. Come on, engineer, FUCKING LAUGH!

-- Mitch Hedberg

Curb Your Enthusiasm

I saw this nice little CYE Family Guy parody.

It's esoteric, but I think it's worth watching anyway.

Truthless or beauty

I am prone to hyperbole, and 100s of people have asked me why I have not blogged recently.

Rather than perfect a posting, it's better to just send off a blog into the ether and it will ensure the masses are sated, for the time being.

Can you please help me with the notion of stones? Not the big lipped Mick Jagger type, but those which people wear on rings, necklaces, etc. I understand precious stones. When the category of semi-precious arises, I am taken aback (metaphorically) as it would appear these stones are precisely HALF as precious. Is there a further category of semi-demi precious stones just like a quaver in music? What is beyond this term? Rest assured, I'm not a jeweller and therefore I may not be au fait with these things, but one would expect there to be some consistency. Who makes the call whether ruby is hemi-demi-semi precious or just precious? Do two semi-precious stones make one precious one (eg nice earrings - they're so precious together).

But I digress...

There's also the oddity relating to the word ruthless. It may appear innocuous but in truth it is not... if someone is not being ruthless are they then being ruth? It doesn't sound correct, but is it wrong?

Speaking of non sequiturs, I am trying to confirm my hunch that the North Pole is actually magnetically South. You may think it's strange, but I think that the magnets in your compass point north, and given the attraction of North to South, the North Pole is really a south pole which attracts a North. Capito? If you're a little lost, revert to Maxwell's Equations and ensure that a monopole is impossible, and then determine the north/south conundrum from first principles.

And finally, with the onset of winter there's another lexicon issue and that is: does inclement weather impose a need for clement weather as well?

Don't go outside without sunglasses, it's clement out there!

The photo (right) was taken at the local Australia Post Office. I was not sure about the reason for the sign, for the likelihood of anyone walking out with the shop is minimal. Poor drafting or translation from another language perhaps, but this type of thing must be stopped.

And finally, the parting quote:
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says: go outside.
- Demetri Martin

Why one needs punctuation...

This photo was taken near work this morning. I think there's a need for punctuation. Even a little bit. (Click photo to enlarge it)

• Are these guys "danger men" - and if so, what does this mean?


• Is it a warning that men are working in the building?


• Is there some other interpretation?
  
  
  We need clarification!

Today's Quote
I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.

Moot moot moot moot moot [and repeat]

I can't find the moot button.

Welcome to 2007 - a year of error-free grammar.

Sitting in a meeting, yawning, and then discussion went onto a topic that eventually turned out to be futile, unnecessary, otiose, avoidable... you get the drift. I understood that further discussion was a waste of time, but when told that it was a "mute point" I kinda had to hide my wry grin (or was it a rye grin?).

I guess a "mute point" has some nexus to a "moot point" - and not that it just has a similar sound. However, just like the mute button on a tv remote control, I believe a mute point is one that is silent, rather than unnecessary.

At law school the notion of a moot was similar to that 7½ floor where John Malkovich spoke, "Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich..." To win a moot, one would merely need to stand up before your counterpart and the judge (be it one at a bench or otherwise) and repeat the word "moot" until you either won or lost. It was hardly a contest of intellect.

This mute/moot error has a more profound issue: people think they know things when actually they don't (not that it surprises me - see my overheard posting for more info). If I had a €1 for every time I've heard highfalutin lexicon incorrectly used - depending on the currency conversion - I'd have more than £400, from 2006 alone.

Why do people aspire to sound different?
Whom is asking that? and other such phrases are simply wrong and make you sound stoopid.

Demetri Martin says:
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

The scary thing is that happens to me, but when you try to ask what they mean, they have no clue. I'm not even going to venture down the myself route in the posting, or the fact that I have overheard an interesting fact that margarine increases your cholesteroil.

I hope you have an enjoyable 2007 and may it be peppered with a paucity of errors - the like of which could make it to this blog.

Bonne année

Here's a bit of a game to start the year, it's called YAPSI.

Le quote
Italy invented fascism. Mussolini in 1922 said "Right, we're all fascists", but most Italian people are always on scooters, going, "Ciao!" - Eddie Izzard

And the Oscar goes to... "SHMETAMORPHOSIS"

Jack Feldstein's film in brilliant neonism. When a bug bursts into Super-Therapist, Berthold Krasenstein's office, Krasenstein is well aware of the Kafkaesque challenges ahead... or is he?!? BTW, you may notice that Berthold sometimes resembles ME, and that's because it is me (sometimes) in neonised fashion. Enjoy...

Do you like your steak rare or stangy?

What's in a name?
I understand, to a point, when people write something down and then re-read it incorrectly. That recently happened to me when I was leaving my telephone number. It ends in a "1" but the person on the other end of the phone must have written something resembling a "7" and it took her about 4 attempts of me saying "one" to confirm the number was correct. At least she confirmed the right number and didn't presume she'd got it correct immediately. It was this same person who was put off by my use of the word convoluted. It reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine's on the subway on her way to a lesbian wedding:

Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Woman: What's ironic?
Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress,
but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
Elaine: Oh...

After convoluted, she said "what?" and I used the word "complex" instead. It was far easier than getting into the definition of the word, and a synonym, incomplete as it was, had to be sufficient.

But the essence of today's shtick is that of a name. I recently made an online order. I used only forms on the company's website and used my full and proper name (I have the order confirmation email as exhibit A). There was a kerfuffle about my order which had nought to do with nomenclature - the order was shipped and the recipient (in the USA) had not alerted the right party that a package would arrive for me. This was promptly rectified and then the UPS parcel returned some days later, marked to the attention of GARY STANGY SLEZAK. I have never had a middle name and I have never really wanted one either. Furthermore, would I have chosen Stangy?
This hilarious oversight - or insertion - reminded me of the various spellings of my surname. The brief list as follows:
• Slick

• Slovak

• Sellick

• Sentak

• Slezac

• Sellak

• Selzak

• Slezzak
and my all-time favourite
• Steak

So, I understand errors and although 2 syllables my surname's potentially confusing. However, the creation of a name where none existed previously is rather bizarre. Thomas Putnam (whom Goody Proctor wished a fart upon) talked of his name being all he has, and cannot have another. Well, I am in the same boat - no middle name... ever. And no Steak as a surname too, please!

In other wordly news, I was at a meeting where the word chasm was used. It was a metaphor (i'm not into geology or tectonic movement at the moment) and quite the appropriate one in the context, but the learned person pronounced chasm with a "ch" as in "chase". It was hideous and reverberated in my head for hours. This reminds me of a line of Demetri Martin: I'm going to open a store called Chasm. We're going to be just like the Gap, but way bigger.

And here's today's Demetri quote, unrelated to any of the above:
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "Wow, this guy's tired. He doesn't even have the energy to say Est and Elaxation."

استمتعت

Phlegmington and traditional mealtime

The cold winds of Flemington racecource swept The Rails where we had our vantage point for the race that stop a nation. Perhaps it's the race that stops a notion/emotion/annotation/etc, but in any case, it did stop my metabolism kicking in and the flight home and subsequent day the air of flu was about.

I still can't work out why horses, known as much for their glue-like properties as their racing prowess, manage to have the status of "the sport of kings". They may be majestic animals, but quite the regal animal they are not.

Equine does not, to me, evoke royalty. Perhaps the "traditional souvlaki" nexus with horses (and other similar edible beasts) was more suitable, especially in the public arena (where I feared to tread thrice during the day) of Flemington.

I feel the need to go home. My throat's starting to annoy me and the flu could be close by. I hope the stunning melbourne weather doesn't impact upon endeavours to return to the desk on the morrow.

And finally a Mitch Hedberg quote for your entertainment:
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

Summertime and the grammar ain't easy

Balagan with the recent time change?
No, I'm not so concerned about the changing of the clocks. Au contraire, i'm for it (bondi beach after work is quite the incentive to implement summer time). I care not if Queensland has no interest in moving in line with other states. I am even unconcerned with sleeping patterns being out of whack.

It's the grammatical concerns tied in with the change which haunt me. Read on:

1. Daylight savings [plural?]
2. Daylight saving's [singular, possessive]
3. Daylight savings' [plural, possessive - j'en doute]

Is the genetive required? What does DST really stand for? Where should the apostrophe go if it is to go somewhere? Methinks it's (2) above, but I really cannot tell. Is it a saving of daylight, savings of daylight or some other shrewd and mayhap incorrect grammatical construction which itself may be flawed?

I know, I'm asking myriad questions without an answer, but I'm actually unable to locate a solution which bodes well with me. The BOM believes it is singular and only now have I learned that the change in time has an effect on statistics the BOM uses. However, this does not deem the grammar issue complete, nor can it be put to bed (I hope to address the issue in a later post).

I did have similar disdain around 2000. I could not, and still cannot, fathom why that year was special. If things occurred years beforehand it was easy to say. Eg, "We travelled in 1997." And for years after MM it was as facile, eg, "in 2004 I travelled to Portugal and Sweden." Why, oh why, must 2000 be put on a pedestal. Eg, "in the year 2000 Sydney had the olympics."
Woooptie freakin' dooo. The millennium has the poetic licence to have "the year" before the number... I don't think so.

I went to a seminar today and a presenter managed to pepper his talk with the following words:

• louche
• egregious
• mendacious
• ignominious
• interstices

Now, don't get me wrong, they're words (I like words) and they're good (for want of a better word), but I think he was having a go at pomposity. It reminded me of Woody Allen's Small Time Crooks. A fun film with great NY vibe, but what can be said as merely a recent film of his. It's a good film, but not a great film (& then Gertrude Stein punched me in the mouth).

Have a fun Movember (click here to sponsor Josh in his facial hair growth charity).

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. -- Demetri Martin

And finally, my moment of Zen:

Grassy ass - not so hard to say

I just pressed "Save as Draft" in the blogger edit window and lost an entire blog - photos and all. It irks me to no end.

I have now gone into gloat mode (see dodgy art i painted this week to the left) and now I will try to emulate the posting, with a rather sour tone.

It all stemmed from a recent spate (if a spate can be 1 or 2) of present purchase, wrapping, attaching of card and giving. I am not sure if the gifts were not liked or appreciated, or whether the card fell off, the envelope did not seal or some other issue transpired. I am unaware of what to do, how to act, what to say or whether to just cull friends (as i'm prone to do in any case). However, for the moment I'm just going to sit back and see if my thoughts (or the reading of this blog) has eked a reaction. To quote The Big Lebowski:
Walter Sobchak: You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course.



Before the crash of 26 October on my PC, I also wrote of being annoyed by one-way flights costing more than return, the weather last weekend (see photo below), being meshuggah to be swimming in that cold water (ibid) but my draft was not saved, so I will have to leave it at that.

I feel like a drink... and no better place than Beppi's cellar (left) to find a few dusty bottles of red.In the inimitable words of The Dude: Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!







And a Demetri Martin quote to end:
Saying I apologize is the very same as saying I'm sorry, they're the same. Unless you're at a funeral.

Parataxis change shift at 3am & 3pm

Of all the morning walks this week today's was one of them. The stopwatch was reset at Icebergs and by the time the photo (left) was snapped, 20mins had transpired. The pace today was a little more brisk than the last two days, but that may be due to the paucity of cloud cover, a later start or myriad other factors not accounted for as yet. Also, B pointed out these stairs at Tamarama as a steep shortcut back home and frankly that was the best workout of the week. Spring is in the air and I feel surprisingly healthy.

There was an email I received yesterday that, at the bottom, said please consider the environment when printing this email. This got me thinking... I did consider the environment and yet I printed the email, all nine pages! I believe the only thing that the emailer should do is NOT write that pleonasm. It's really just a potential waste of printer toner, ergo this harms the environment more than.

The non-sequitur of the day, other than the subject of this posting (I was inspired by a parataxis yesterday when I thought of the title, but now don't have anything to add), is the pluperfect tense. I'm impressed when you can fool Microsoft when using this tense. Long ago (circa 1983) I used to thing it was incorrect to have the words "had had" back-to-back. It just couldn't be correct. However, inter alia after 5 years of studying Latin coupled with being awarded my Grammar Police ranking in 2002, I think the pluperfect is my favourite tense (closely followed by the future perfect, but that tense will have had enough over-use next year).

Finally, I had my first comment on my blog-page. The whole idea of anonymity intrigues me. I'm not sure if you are anonymous in order to not reveal yourself to Mike Zero, or to not reveal yourself to others who read this blog. In any case, comments and feedback are welcome.

And a parting quote, as is my current theme:
"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'" - Demetri Martin

Atlas Shrugged

Is cartography still a profession? It's something I have some interest in, but fear that with satellite imagery (Hubble aside), myriad atlases in bookstores, Google Earth and even the opening screen of Universal Studios films (coupled with distant Pluto recently struck off as a planet), there's little out there for me to do as an aspiring cartographer.

Sure, there are those vexing issues between the Peters Projection and the Mercator Projection (I prefer the former if only for alliteration - I'm a Peters Projection Person) which can be endlessly debated, but this is but a minor point in the world of a map man. I know a little about steradians and have argued with a friend whether the moon is a Lambertian surface (I think it is) , but does this actually cut it for me? Is there anything more out there that needs to be mapped. Sure, cartography is large scale architecture, or maybe inverse architecture as you're plotting that which already exists, but maybe there is a need. Polar icecaps melting, sea levels rising, the odd volcanic gurgle or Iceland changing shape - they all add up to a dynamic Earth which needs to be updated. Further, with countries changing name, borders or both they must require a budding assistant. When the ferrous drapery (read: iron curtain) fell, I'm sure there would have been a lot of work out there. Whether it be Republic of the Congo or neighbouring Democratic republic of the Congo maps are required.
Robert Frost said that good fences make good neighbours, and cartographers are those who can ensure this happens on a grand scale.

This morning's walk went swimmingly. Another overcast yet magical sunrise (left) and my third consecutive day of "fitness". My diet, starting on Tuesday (and redundantly pausing for a hiatus each weekend during birthday season), became further refined with speak of Glycemic Index and associated good foods. A quick search on the website led me to this cereal: Ultra-bran™ breakfast cereal, Vogel's brand, soy and linseed extruded wheat bran cereal (30.2 g fiber per 100 g) Australia.
I think I may need to locate it, purchase it and strive for better food intake. This will include a reduction in these at least for a while. So, with a new diet and hopefully a routine of waking up very early to get out and make it beyond Tamarama, there'll be a new Mike Zero at the by the end of Oktoberfest.

Today's quote is from Demetri Martin:
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

A sequence of non sequiturs

This morning was quite the struggle to get out of bed at 6am. Last night I discovered that the snooze setting on my alarm can be varied to any number of minutes. This I find odd, intriguing and ultimately futile. To set it to 1 minute is not, to me, a snooze. And to set it to 1hour is hardly effective. But, as usual, I digress.

Once the rain in the distance cleared and I could actually see the beach, and in spite of the ever-present grey clouds it was time to walk again. The crowds along the tayelet never cease to amaze me at the crack of dawn. Fitness freaks, general freaks, owners who look like their dogs... it's almost disconcerting not to be there given that it would imply laziness. The Spaziergang was great and will continue most mornings for the next few months at least.

I have a meeting with the institute (read: TBI) today. Tying into one of the few founding tenets of this elite think tank, there is no agenda scheduled. Frankly, there may not even be a real meeting. Meetings always seem to be a reason to have coffee and for this I am thankful. Acrostics Anonymous meets tomorrow (more coffee); it's been tough in the acrostic world of late. I think there's a new café near the tennis courts too, so even when trying to do something more active than a meeting, you can imbibe coffee.

I have been advised, nay instructed, to go on a diet. Once YK finishes I'll be consuming fewer bagels, less hummus, darker chocolate, smaller cakes whilst balancing this with more fish, açaí and bamboo. I'm not sure if I should be listening to Alkan, eating alkanes, avoiding alchohol or just ignoring any advice given to me. The words mildly obese seem oxymoronic, so I am not concerned - what is grammatically wrong can't harm me, no?

One parting Mitch Hedberg quote for today:
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."

A new year of dipthongs

A very brief first posting... for the new year of the jews is looming (I can tell, for my throne faces west and I can clearly see the nearest star to earth).

I attended Palindromes Anonymous yesterday, you guessed it, at noon. There were a couple of new members, Bob and Anna, who like me believe something can only be a palindromic if it can be read forwards and backwards on a letter-only basis. Debate ensued as to whether a word palindrome was a true palindrome. Given that the closing of each meeting fits this "true palindrome" definition*, the three of us at least were content that we'd won the debate. As with any think tank, there is no right or wrong; it is the process through which thought is trigerred that is the actual winner (philosophically). Next week's discussion, although not palindromic, is whether the past-tense of focus has a single or double "s".
* Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas.

With kavorka I bid you a bon weekend.