It takes more than an ostrich to defeat purple

I was walking to the pharmacy and happened upon this mattress (see image, right). I was taken by the fact that it was a nice number (thirteen squared) but the real thing that got me was the fact that it is perfect for the person who has a home without a FLOOR.

"I am looking for a place for my rock hard mattress as I like to sleep on the road, but it's a bit noisy."

I wonder if you'd need to put sheets on it, otherwise it may lose its rocky'ness. I honestly don't understand this type of advertising. I also have issues with ads noting "or nearest offer". Is this really binding? Car for sale - $3500 o.n.o. and you offer the vendor $300... will they have to sell it to you? Always been one of those vexing questions.

Now, more drivel... the subject of this post was once a subject of an email I sent in 1997. It was a total stream of consciousness email which I sadly have lost to the aether (aka Rocketmail). For some reason the comic, above, brought up the memory of that (in)famous email. There is no logic behind this.

That's it for today. I have a Bollywood party tomorrow to prepare for.

Namaste...

El Quote:

I have a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications…I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!”

Mitch Hedberg

Can the weather be clement?

Why is 0! = 1?

I'm not going to answer that question.

Having seen the film My Kid Could Paint That I feel that I am either cynical with things like this, persuaded by the documentary maker or some other reason that I've not had.

The main ratio of the film, to me, was the idea of art. The story's about a four-year-old kid who painted some great abstract art which people bought for thousands of dollars. It then seemed that maybe her dad did the painting, or at least finished it for her and sold it under her name. In spite of the doubt that I have on who painted the works, I found that it is the people who bought the art that irked me.

Are you buying the art because a four year old prodigy painted the work (and perhaps not like the art itself), or are you actually taken by the artwork for what it is - standing alone and speaking for itself? It seemed that when it was revealed that the girl may not be the artist, some of the "collectors" felt robbed. But they bought the painting!!!!

I am somewhat confused. Moliere Aware winner Yasmina Riza wrote "ART" which was quite on point about the reasoning, or lack thereof, about abstract art. Is there anything that needs to be understood or does it just have some form of pretense and people buy the art without explanation?

I understand if you buy a Klimt or Miro and it turns out to be a fake it is fraudulent and you are paying millions for a copy. But these people had bought art which was not in this category.

ALAS... it is quite the conundrum which is something to ponder.

To quote Ms Riza: "Read Seneca."

Le funny quote:

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger."

Every picture is of you when you were younger.

"Here's a picture of me when I'm older."

"You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

- Mitch Hedberg

A wanton promptu posting

Having been pointed to How I met my wife by Jack Winter (The New Yorker, July 25, 1994) new forms of words have been popping into my head (such as transigent).

I don't know where time goes (in a metaphorical sense, rather than a 4th dimensional one) but somehow there are too many things to do which require time, and not enough of this said time to do so.

I have 20+ DVDs I would like to rent and watch merely on recommendation, I have myriad restaurants I'd like to try and many more to return to, I have stuff to do but just don't get around to it.

I want to return to places (Israel, Italy, Canada, Japan...) but for one of those destinations in the near future, I am not sure when I'll next get there.

I would like to write - about what I know not - but just to write for writing's sake (or for no reason at all). I need to paint in spite of my artistic limitations. I should get my piano tuned and disturb my neighbours... the ephemeral nature of music - created and lost so quickly (330m/s approximately) - yet itself a artistic creation on paper.

Strangely, there is nothing preventing any of this but some unseen, self-imposed, hurdle.

A nihilist I am not (Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of. - The Big Lebowski) and I do a lot more than nothing (though some would debate this). I'm just seeking out how to attain some pursuits when there are finite constraints on what you can do.

There is no solution - it's an empty set - but this doesn't detract from aspirations. It is merely something to ponder and strive towards.

So, press play on the CD player with Glenn Gould interpreting Bach's 24 Preludes and Fugues (you can hear him singing if you listen closely), throw down an drop sheet and mantle your easel, take anything profound or inane as a catalyst and be creative...

Creativity and taking the plunge far outweighs any result that may transpire.

The quote:

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods;

They kill us for their sport.

- William Shakespeare

Can the weather be clement?

Some random drivel:

• Does the USA really think there'd be no need to test NASA astronauts for being drunk? I know they think the image of their country appears more like the one here (right). And I admit that it's potentially not as dangerous as driving on roads as traffic to space is far less busy, but it is something rather pathetic in any case.
• Why is 0! = 1 ? That's something that irks me. I would donate money to a branch of the UN that eradicates use of the phrase "could of", "should of", "would of" etc.
• Is anyone else over harry potter? I may be alone, but j'en doute...

My PC just crashed and saved only up to here... so I'll post and alleviate the ennui and ire.

Ye olde quote (two this time):

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. — Demetri Martin

A metaphor is like a simile. — Steven Wright

Königsberg Bridge - now charging tolls each way

Perhaps it is me... no, it is me that presumes what is read on this blog is understood. I think it's quite the opposite.

I write, and mention things like the subject of this posting and just assume y'all know what I am on about. Or if you don't, that when you read that it was Euler who solved the Königsberg Bridge problem, that you know who he was.

Sure, it's not "common" knowledge, but are you really common?Most people who read this (you're in a set of about 10 people, I think) are anything but common, yet I fear I confuse you.

My care factor, fortunately, hovers on or about zero, so my postings will continue in spite of your feedback, or lack thereof.

One thing I have noticed is the prevalence of blogs and its effect on society. For example, it has helped physics extend well beyond the usual small circle of in-the-know doctors and professors. A recent article in the NY Times noted that now with blogs even string theorists who can't spell Higgs became immediately aware of inside information about D Zero data. And I'm sure you're all happy about this (I am).

And a new segment to my blog, a stream of consciousness (followed by the usual quote):

Higgs Boson, ablative, diminished 5th in phrygian mode, somnambulation, Furano, Brownian motion, HDL is good cholesterol, monopoles, Klimt and laminar flow.


Today's quote:
I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish.
Mitch Hedberg

The Middle Name - or lack thereof

I was not born with a middle name and this appears to put me in the minority, at least with the people I know... it's harder to gauge whether or not someone has one when you seem them in the street.



There are famous people with middle names - F. Scott Fitzgerald and Harry S Truman to note but two. And interestingly (to me) Harry Truman's middle name is "S" and therefore both a middle initial and name.



There are people who can include a nickname in their common name, such as I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and yet here I am with a First Name and a Surname, and nothing betwixt.



Not that it's a problem, but I have been pondering the benefit of adopting a name. I am unsure why, but I have been told that G. Dustin should replace my first name. It has not taken off (yet) but I like the full stop and GDS does have a ring to it.



I'm taking suggestions for a middle name, and if it's good enough, it may be adopted by Deed Poll. If not, you can probably still call me by that new name - for I am one for new coinage.



Until that time, I remain yours:



GS/GDS/Steak/Sir L/Capt G/CC/any other name I'm given, frankly (other than Frankly)





Today's quote

I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright

Who let the blogs out?

Words such as paucity, scarcity and dearth have been hovering in my head for a while.

When something bearing a resemblance to Schrödinger's Cat - Facebook, being both useless and useful at once - blogging has dissipated until now. I've not much to say but that is the perfect forum for a blog. Since the last blog a few things have happened:

• The Think Tank about Nothing which I'm part of has moved no further forward in its goals, meetings or structure.
• The soccer team I'm in has been doing well and for the first time in a LONG TIME may make the finals.
• The snow in Australia has been falling in greater amounts than I can recall in my limited snowboarding career.
• There's been an odd prevalence of people using the word penultimate which, for some odd reason, irks me.
• I've had weird comments when I talk about Nabokov's lecture on Kafka's Metamorphosis.
• Arrested Development has moved up into number 1 spot on my best shows on tv.
• I've worn a suit to work but once in six months.
• Someone signed off an email let me know if I can help you with anything and when I asked her to read over my working draft of the solution to the Goldbach Conjecture she didn't reply.
• This site is still my favourite on the net.
• I'm already over Harry Potter and I have only read book #2.
• Whomsoever is just a pretentious way of saying whomever which itself is a pretentious way of saying whoever.

That'll do for now. It's not easy to catch up with all the blogs of my friends (real friends, not just Facebook friends), so I guess it's best for you the reader (yes, singular) to keep this brief.

And finally...

Mitch Hedberg:
You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'

Metempsychoses & Vestibular Neuronitis

To reveal 8 things about ourselves…
THE RULES
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

i. I do not eat anything that ends in -erry. Yes, that includes any berry or cherry or sherry. The rule/shtick is only in relation to words in english and has nothing to do with anything. So don't give me a word which means "salad" in another language and hold me to my rule.

ii. I had my head trodden on in Shoalhaven while sleeping.

iii. I studied optoelectronics... and this results in an odd interest in physics and maths and has no nexus to many other things. It is often a conversation stopper and something few people understand.

iv. I am ambidextrous. This has not come in handy (ahem) that often, but when I broke my thumb during university I was able to take notes, with some legibility, with my left hand. I can eat with chopsticks in both hands and profess to kick a soccer ball with both feet.

v. I don't like people. As a general statement, cynicism trumps most things. As Jerry Seinfeld says of people, They're the worst. Role models include Larry David, Lucille Bluth, Woody Allen and Mel Brooks.

vi. Paul Cezanne is my favourite artist and inspires me to paint. I don't paint enough, but when I do I thoroughly enjoy it (and care not if others do not).

vii. Bacardi and passito are a good combination for a refreshing summer drink. Do not mock until you try.

viii. Pici is my favourite pasta and recommend Montepulciano for a good sampling of said pasta. If you ever want good food, look no further than Tuscany.

Now to give 8 blogs to continue this meme.

I shall name 8 people and if they read this blog they can add it in the comments here or in their own blog:

Joel Stern, David Grunstein, Natalie Shell, DJ Lee, Caroline Blewman, Rojo CC, KP, Clarence

see http://metempsychotic.wordpress.com/2007/07/01/weve-been-tagged-by-matt/ for other stuff

書名 (I don't know what that says)

I am in Hong Kong and in spite of there being enough English signage to get by, on the streets in the markets it is pretty tough. I know how to say a couple of things, but I find gesticulation and money are the best languages to use.

On the flight over from Sydney I pondered about debunking theories and how this may relate to bunking a theory. It really doesn't make any sense, but I may try to bunk that grammar issue when I'm home.

I went to Feather Boa last night (on a great recommendation - thanks LM!!) and I think that even if I don't go anywhere else, it is one of the coolest places I've been to... worldwide.

I'm procrastinating going outside because it's not stopped raining since I arrived but it's time to go to the Lady Market (no, don't worry, it's not a literal market).

And here's a parting quote, comme d'habitude:

I can whistle with my fingers too... especially if I have a whistle.

- Mitch Hedberg

Item number 54: i'm feeling number

I present a present for (some of) you:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.


10) I did not object to the object.


11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.


16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Taking equality a little too far...

My cousin sent me the photo (right) and I had to share it.

I don't know whether people can eat at this restaurant, but at least the buffalo and caribou get on. You gotta love Canada.

I'm off to listen to 4'33" by John Cage. Can you hear it playing now?...



You can say, "Thanks," and you can say, "Thanks a million," but any number in between – uh-uh.
"Hey man, thanks two-fifty-six."
"What?"
"Yeah, you gave me a ride; that's not worth a million. You know what? Two-fifty-five for questioning me. Keep it up, stupid; we're headed for 'thanks zero.' And that's no thanks."
-- Demetri Martin

Prefix and Suffix by Goscinny & Underzo

I erred on the grapevine - somewhere in my blog there may be a grammar error. Please accept my apologies.

The concept of a prefix and a suffix (together affixes) is not too difficult to grasp, but what of the things (for want of a better word) that surround the morpheme which are not words.

So, there are prefixes such as:

• un-
• under-
• pre-
• in-

And there are suffixes such as:

• -able
• -tion
• -ly
• -ness

suffixes also include plurals, possessives, comparatives and superlatives.

What does one call $, £ and other currencies. What of the % symbol? The conundrum within this category is that of pronunciation.

$3 is pronounced three dollars. Why does $ appear as a prefix but is pronounced as a suffix?

3% is pronounced and reads properly.

$5.64 implies "cents" but if you pronounce it, should it not be written 5$ 64c?

$2m - now this one is a challenge! Two (free morpheme) million (suffix, pronounced before the prefix) dollars (prefix, pronounced after the suffix).

I don't think clarification is required, as it appears to work well in everyday parlance. It is merely something I noticed and wished to share with you (singular - for there must only be on reader of this rarely frequented blog at any one time).

Finally, what happens when an acronym becomes part of vernacular to the point that it becomes a word which then gets verbised?

L.A.S.E.R. = Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation

Laser printer

I had my eyes lasered.

It's just another oddity I've noticed.

I don't think I will get to lexemes in the near future, but fear not, it is on my radar.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
-- Demetri Martin

A Toyota's a Toytota

A.
Nun. (LOL)
Noon.
Kayak.
Glenelg.
A man a plan a canal panama.
Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas.

Yep, I still like the palindrome and this Weird Al piece is right on song.

Enjoy.

Quite the conundrum

I would like to be an etymologist rather than an entomologist. Not that it's an option or a career path, but if I had the choice it would be quite facile.

It may help me solve the conundrum of the word "number". Is this singular or plural?

I have a number of ideas,

A simple sentence - but one filled with options.

The number of options I have is/are many.

Does one of these options feel more correct?

Perhaps I should only used the word "number" in the comparative sense - as in "more numb".

But that would be puerile.

Now, the issue of refracted light is quite important (odd segue - but see image above). It is actually one of few phenomena which creates something which is naturally blue.

The sky is blue because light refracts with the particles in the atmosphere (to the 4th power of frequency of light) and given blue light's frequency is greater than, say, red, the sky appears blue (FYI blue is towards the end of the spectrum of visible light). (This differs at sunrise/sunset as the blue light has refracted further, thus leaving oranges/reds in the horizon). But how many blue fruits do you know?

More drivel... why anyone would read this, I know not.

Enjoy this old quote for now:

In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with, I don't. Would you take two negative messages? My mother used to say to me when I was younger, "If a strange man comes up to you, and offers you candy, and wants you to get into the back of his car with him... go".

-- Woody Allen

Fields (Medal) of Green

I have no idea why, when driving along today, I pondered Mersenne Primes, but I did. It reminded me somewhat of Rene Magritte, perhaps only linked by french names (although Magritte is Belgian).

I am unsure why, but I have often thought of the apple in the Garden of Eden as being red. Magritte, as you can tell, thought it was green. That's not the only thing we differ on - but he's a surrealist and I might not be one.

PC trouble, so I'll keep this curt.

Quote of the day:

Comedians never make studio albums. Come on, engineer, FUCKING LAUGH!

-- Mitch Hedberg

Curb Your Enthusiasm

I saw this nice little CYE Family Guy parody.

It's esoteric, but I think it's worth watching anyway.

Truthless or beauty

I am prone to hyperbole, and 100s of people have asked me why I have not blogged recently.

Rather than perfect a posting, it's better to just send off a blog into the ether and it will ensure the masses are sated, for the time being.

Can you please help me with the notion of stones? Not the big lipped Mick Jagger type, but those which people wear on rings, necklaces, etc. I understand precious stones. When the category of semi-precious arises, I am taken aback (metaphorically) as it would appear these stones are precisely HALF as precious. Is there a further category of semi-demi precious stones just like a quaver in music? What is beyond this term? Rest assured, I'm not a jeweller and therefore I may not be au fait with these things, but one would expect there to be some consistency. Who makes the call whether ruby is hemi-demi-semi precious or just precious? Do two semi-precious stones make one precious one (eg nice earrings - they're so precious together).

But I digress...

There's also the oddity relating to the word ruthless. It may appear innocuous but in truth it is not... if someone is not being ruthless are they then being ruth? It doesn't sound correct, but is it wrong?

Speaking of non sequiturs, I am trying to confirm my hunch that the North Pole is actually magnetically South. You may think it's strange, but I think that the magnets in your compass point north, and given the attraction of North to South, the North Pole is really a south pole which attracts a North. Capito? If you're a little lost, revert to Maxwell's Equations and ensure that a monopole is impossible, and then determine the north/south conundrum from first principles.

And finally, with the onset of winter there's another lexicon issue and that is: does inclement weather impose a need for clement weather as well?

Don't go outside without sunglasses, it's clement out there!

The photo (right) was taken at the local Australia Post Office. I was not sure about the reason for the sign, for the likelihood of anyone walking out with the shop is minimal. Poor drafting or translation from another language perhaps, but this type of thing must be stopped.

And finally, the parting quote:
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says: go outside.
- Demetri Martin

Why one needs punctuation...

This photo was taken near work this morning. I think there's a need for punctuation. Even a little bit. (Click photo to enlarge it)

• Are these guys "danger men" - and if so, what does this mean?


• Is it a warning that men are working in the building?


• Is there some other interpretation?
  
  
  We need clarification!

Today's Quote
I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.

Moot moot moot moot moot [and repeat]

I can't find the moot button.

Welcome to 2007 - a year of error-free grammar.

Sitting in a meeting, yawning, and then discussion went onto a topic that eventually turned out to be futile, unnecessary, otiose, avoidable... you get the drift. I understood that further discussion was a waste of time, but when told that it was a "mute point" I kinda had to hide my wry grin (or was it a rye grin?).

I guess a "mute point" has some nexus to a "moot point" - and not that it just has a similar sound. However, just like the mute button on a tv remote control, I believe a mute point is one that is silent, rather than unnecessary.

At law school the notion of a moot was similar to that 7½ floor where John Malkovich spoke, "Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich..." To win a moot, one would merely need to stand up before your counterpart and the judge (be it one at a bench or otherwise) and repeat the word "moot" until you either won or lost. It was hardly a contest of intellect.

This mute/moot error has a more profound issue: people think they know things when actually they don't (not that it surprises me - see my overheard posting for more info). If I had a €1 for every time I've heard highfalutin lexicon incorrectly used - depending on the currency conversion - I'd have more than £400, from 2006 alone.

Why do people aspire to sound different?
Whom is asking that? and other such phrases are simply wrong and make you sound stoopid.

Demetri Martin says:
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

The scary thing is that happens to me, but when you try to ask what they mean, they have no clue. I'm not even going to venture down the myself route in the posting, or the fact that I have overheard an interesting fact that margarine increases your cholesteroil.

I hope you have an enjoyable 2007 and may it be peppered with a paucity of errors - the like of which could make it to this blog.

Bonne année

Here's a bit of a game to start the year, it's called YAPSI.

Le quote
Italy invented fascism. Mussolini in 1922 said "Right, we're all fascists", but most Italian people are always on scooters, going, "Ciao!" - Eddie Izzard